It had been raining for more than a
week, so much rain it made everyday
seemed so restless and gloomy. She
called and said she was coming up. It
was the third time she came up to see
me that week. I carried her excuse of
why she came all the way here and went
to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone,
carrying her red umbrella. Her friend
had dropped her off. It was raining
and she was shivering. She looked weak
and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing
not enough to keep her warm.
I walked up to her and said, "You
shouldn't come see me anymore," and
stuff like how we shouldn't be
together.
She said, "I miss you."
I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take
you home."
She did not open up her umbrella, I
knew she wanted to share mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's
go."
Unw illingly, She opened up her
umbrella and walked with me to the
car. She said she hadn't eat lunch or
dinner and asked if we could stop at
some place to eat.
Right away I answered with a stoned
heart, "No!"
Disappointe d, she asked me to take her
to the train station, she said she
would take the train back home.
Maybe it was the rain, all the trains
were full of people with umbrellas and
suit cases who were eager to get home,
not caring about who just passed by.
We waited and waited, she looked at me
innocently. Being together for so
long, of course I knew what she meant.
I understand how she must feel when
she came all this way here in this
kind of weather and I treat her like
this. With her soft eyes staring at
me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her
stay for the night.
But reality struck again, I said to
her coldly, "Let's go try the other
train station."
We were living in the same apartment
buildin g, on the same floor. Back then
there were four of us, and we got
along well. We would always eat dinner
together, watch movies, and sometimes
go camping. We were more like a
family, but I didn't know I would end
up falling in love with the only girl
of the four. Maybe it was during the
last year of college, having living
together for two years, we developed
deep feelings for each other. After
she graduated she went back home, and
I stayed for one more year to finish
school. During that year I was only
able to take the train down to see her
on holidays, but never for long. That
was how we kept the treasured
relatio nship.
We were walking along the side of the
road. She was in front of me and I was
right behind her. Her umbrella had a
broken spoke. She looked liked a
wounded soldier, carrying her rusted
rifle walking weakly. Many times, she
was too into thinking or whatever she
was doing, drifting off the road, she
almost got hit by the cars passing by.
I wanted to just take her in my arms,
but with the love I had for her and
the constant pain in my stomach, I did
nothing. On the way, we passed by the
park where we use to always go.
She begged and said, "Lets go in the
park just for a little while please, I
promise I'll go home right after this."
With her begging, my cold heart
softened, but I still put up an
annoyed face and walked in the park. I
was just sitting on the benches
looking like I wanted to leave. She
went to the big oak tree and she was
looking for something. I knew she was
looking for what we wrote on that tree
with a silver ink pen half a year ago.
If I remember it right, it
said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris
had tea and Susan was drinking hot
chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would
always remember this day, always
loving each other, forever." She was
looking around for quite a while, then
she came back slowly with tears on her
face.
She said, "Chris, I can't find it,
it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a
stream of pain, flowing into my heart,
the kind of pain I've never felt
before. But all I could do was pretend
I didn't care, and said, "Can we go
now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she
was just standing there, didn't want
to leave yet, hoping there was still a
chance.
She said, "You made up the story of
you and that other girl didn't you? I
know I frustrate you sometimes, but
I'll change, can't we start over?"
I didn't say a word, just looked down
and shook my head. After that we just
kept on walking towards the train
station, didn't say a word to each
other.
Fo ur years ago, the doctor said I had
cancer, but it was found early, so it
was still curable. Thinking that it
was okay, I started living my normal
life again, and even forgot about the
cancer. I didn't think about the
cancer again and did not go back to
the doctor. Until a month ago, my
stomach was hurting for two weeks
straight, and the nightmare awakened
me again. First I thought the pain
wouldl go away, but it grew stronger
until to the point that I couldn't
take it anymore. I went back to the
doctor and took an X-ray. The picture
came out and there was a big black
spot, which proved the truth that I
did not want to believe. I was at the
most glittering part of my life, but
it was coming to an end. I wanted
myself and the people around me to go
through the least pain possible, so I
decided to commit suicide. But I
couldn't let people find out about my
intentions, especially Susan, the
person I love the most in this whole
world, who still doesn't know about
the truth. Susan was still young, she
shouldn't have to go through this. So
I made up some stories and lied to
her. It was a cruel thing to do, and
it broke her heart, but it was the
fastest way to wipe out three years's
feelings. I didn't have much time,
because I would soon start to loose
hair and she would find out
eventually. But now I'm close to
succeeding, this drama would soon be
over. Thirty minutes more this would
all come to an end, that was what I
had in mind.
The train had stopped running so I
called a taxi for her. We were just
standing there, waiting, loosing our
last moments in silence.
I saw the taxi from far away, I held
my tears and said to her, "Take care
of yourself, take good care of
yourself."
She didn't talk, just nodded lightly,
and then opened up her misshaped
umbrell a and stepped out on the
street. Out in the rain, we became two
single life forms, one red, one black,
so far away from each other. I opened
the door for her and she got in, then
I close the gate that would separate
me from her forever. I stood by the
car, staring in the dark window, at
the first love in my life, also the
last one, walking out of my life. The
car started, driving into the street.
Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and
the twist in my heart any longer,
waving my arms rapidly chasing after
the taxi, because I knew, this would
be the last time I see her. I wanted
to tell her I still love her, I wanted
to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell
her so much, but the taxi had already
turned in the corner. Warm tears kept
falling down my face, blended with the
cold rain drops. I was cold, not
because of the rain. I was cold inside.
She left, and I didn't get anymore of
her phone calls even until today. I
know she didn't see my tears, because
they were washed away by the rain. I
left without regrets. But I'm not
Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my
memory, and his diary I found after
one year since he left, writing down
these last words.
Nagising na lang ako isang umaga, naramdaman ko parang may kulang kumain ako ng almusal, naka usap ko na lahat ng tao sa bahay, pero bakit ganto parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. pumasok ako sa eskwelahan nag iisip parin muntik na nga akong matisod sa kakaisip lang nito. tinataning nako ng mga kaklase ko, ano ba meron sakin bakit ang tamlay ko. sabi ko hindi ko alam, di ko maintindihan, alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na parang may malaking butas sa sarili mo, tipong merong kailangan makapuno? yun ang nararamdaman ko nung araw na un, gusto ko na ngang sumigaw mag wala malay ko ba kung ano lang ito pero d ko gnwa d naman dapat mga bandang tanghali pag katapos ng tanghalian tumawag xa, lam mo na xa, xa ung lalaking mahal ko buong buhay ko pero iniwan ako para sa ibang tao wala lang nangamusta lang. labas daw kami pag katapos ng klase nag isip ako ng mabute kkung papayag ako o hndi nasa isip ko kung ano ba naman ang masama na sa malayo naman nag tratrabaho gurlfrnd nya para malaman db? natapos ang araw sobrang excited ako sinundo nya ako sa skul kumain kami nag usap binalik ang nakaraan sabi ko na lang " wag ng pag usapan may buhay na xa masaya na rin ako sa buhay ko kaibigan na lang ang maiibigay ko" ang drama pa nga ng sabi nyang " mahal pa rin nya ko" kumpara ba ako sa bago nya... mas mabait daw ako mas understanding sabi ko nga " aba bakit sakin mo sinasabi yan ano eto??? bulahan.. natawa lang xa kahit d nakaktawa nainis nga ako d ko na lang pinakita pero kahit na nag usap kami nandun pa rin ung malaking butas na nararamdaman ko pa rin hanagan sa naisip ko bka kulang lang ako ng pag tawag sa kanya pero hindi naman kasi ako madalas ako tumatwag sa kanya cgro naman kilala nyo na kung cno un??? nag lalakad na kami pauwi papunta sa awto nya nakalimutan ko kahit sandali ang kulang na nararamdaman napatawa pa ko sa mga biro nya napalo ko pa nga xa sa kakatawa biglang nag ring ang cellfone ko kapatid nya umiiyak sabi ko bakit kasama ko kuya mo pauwi na kami bigla xang natahimik tinanong ko kung bkit at dahan dahan nyang sinabi "pano nangyari un ehhh c kuya nadisgraxa natotal wreck sasakyan nya ate patay na xa! nabigla ako d ko maintindihan pano nang yari napatay na xa ehh ksma ko pa... pag harap ko sa likod nandun parin xa ganun pa rin suot nya pero duguan na napaluha ako ngumiti lkang xa at cnbi " naramdaman mo na ba ung pakiramdam na parang me kulang hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit?" napa OO na lang ako habang patuloy na lumuluha" papnta ako saiyo ngaun dahil gs2 kong sabihin na ikaw pala un ung kulay sa buhay ko gs2 ko na sana maging tayo uli pero sabi ko naman sayo kahit anong mangyari gs2 ko bago ko mamatay ikaw ang nsa tabi ko. tapos bgla na lang xang nwla bumigat lalo ang pakiramdam ko napaupo ako sa lapag wala na ako nagawa kundi umiyak bakit kung kailan lahat ng sinabi nya ay tama sa padinig ko hangin na lang ng lahat ng ito..
As I sat there in Enqlish class, i stared at the qirl
next
to me. She was my so called "best
friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished
she
was mine. But she didnt notice me
like that n i knew it. After class he walked up to
me
and asked me for the notes she had
missed the day before and handed them to her.
She
said thanks" and qave me a kiSs on
the cheek. I wanna tell her, i want her to know that
i
don`t wanna Be just Friends, i love
her but i`m just too shy, and i don`t knOw why. . .
11th Grade
the phone ranq. on the other end it was her. She
was
in tears, mumblinq on and on about
how her love had broke her heart. She asked me
to
come over because she didn't want to
be alone, so i did. As i sat next to her on the sofa,
i
stared at her soft eyes, wishinq she
was mine. after 2 hours, a drew barrymore movie,&
3 baqs of chips, she decided to qo to
sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" anD qave
me
a kiSs on the cheek. i wAnna tell her, i
want her to kno that i don`t wanna be w/ friends, i
love
her but im just too shy, and idk wHy
Senior Year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My
date is Sick" she said; he`s not qonna qo.
well i didnt have a dAte n in 7th qrade we made a
promiSe that if neither of us had dates we
would qo toqether j/ as "best riends". So we did.
prom niqht after everythinq was over i was
standinq at her front door step. i stared at her, She
smiled at me n stared at me w/ her Crystal
eyes. i want her to be mine, but she doesn`t think
of
me like that n i kno it. then she said "i Had
the best time, thanks!" and qave me a kiss on the
cheek. i wanna tell her, i ant her to kno that
i don`t want to be just friends, i love her but i`m
just
too shy, `nd i don`t kNow why
Graduation Day
a day passed, then a week, then a month. before i
could blink, it was qraduation day. i watched
as her perfect body floated like an anqel up on
staqe
to qet her diploma. i wanted her to be mine,
but she didnt notice me ike that, n i knew it.
before
everyone went home, she came to me in her
smock and hat, and cried as i huqqed her. then
she
lifted her head from my shOulder and said,"you`re my best friend, thanks!" and qave me a
kiss
on the Cheek. i wanna tell her, i want her to
know that i don`t wanna be just friends, i love her
but
i`m just too shy, and i don`t know why
A Few Years Later
now i sit in the pews of the church. that qirl is
qettinq
married now. i watched her say "i do" and
drive off to her new life, married to another man. i
wanted her tO be mine but she didn`t See me
like that and i knew it. But before she Drove away,
she came to me n said "you came!". She said"thanks!" and kissed me on the cheek. i wanna tell
her, i want her tO know that i dont wanna be
just friends, i love her but i`m just too shy, and |[{ i
don`t know why }]|
Funeral
years passed, i looked down at the coffin of a qirl
who used to be my "best friend". at the service
they read a diary entry she had wrote in her hiqh
school years. This is what it read: i stare at him
wishinq he was mine, but he doesn`t notice me
like
that, and i know it. i wanna tell him, i wAnt him
to kno that i don`t wanna be just friends, i love him
but i`m just too shy, n i don`t know why. i wish
he would tell me he loved me . . . i wish i did
too . . . i
thouqht to mySelf, and i Cried
kailan mo ba mllmanna mhlga xa? kpag
wla na xa, klngan pa bang mwla ang
nsayo na bago mo pa masabing mahal mo
pla tlga xa..,
aq c Jef sabi nla mabait daw aqng tao
swit at mcyhin wlang mkktang
kalungkutan sa muka bt deep insyd s
srli q mssbi kong me kulang sakin na
gs2 q ung me mag aalaga sakin d kc aq
nagin malapit sa magulang q kea naman
cgro ganun ang hanap q. sbi nla xikboy
daw aq pro d nla alam deep inside me
is a boi w8tng to be pul up out of da
box nd into dis world, 1 day wen i was
walkin along da rum i found dis cp no.
wid a word elen who i found very
facinatin, i was so glad dat i learned
we have to many thibngs in comon and
sed 2 myself maybe xa na nga? we got
so close to each other na i know lots
of thing about her pro ako pra sa knya
she dont know me jst yet klla nia q
ung mbbaw na aq pro ung taong nsa loob
q hndi pa nia klla everything for her
is a joke notin to be seroious bt i
know sumtin very clear that i love her
time pass by this love is fadin away i
dont know y maybe dahil hindi xa un
girlna my iba pa? o dahil i fil na mas
love nia sarili nia mor dan me! pr0
hndi!! matigas ako weh im jst tinkin
na it was a test for my love for her
kasi all the pass relation i had mga
haft hr lng kami nai want to b
chalenge to know na kun mas mkkla q an
sarili ko, 1 day i got sick very sick
dt im lusin my sight nd tinkin na she
wild com and see me bt no she didn't
even care i expect to much that it
hurts me bumaliktad na pnnwla q nd i
left her bt stil im holdinm on 2 my
fait nd tot that maybe i expek to
much, 1 sumer evenin i met dis new
girl her nym was jazel luaen, hu liv
in the same stril she was nice and
sometin jst came out of my mind bt i
didnt mind it, i didnt hav ant
intenxon of courtin her cgro napagod
na dn ang puso kong mag mahalat umasa
maskit kasi un sobra nagi na lang
kaming frnd a very special frnd nd der
i c na lagi xan nasa tabi ko khit pa
mnsan ai me pgka suplada bt destiny
isnt gona let us be, 1 day i went to
see my DR. n i found out na i was sick
and he gave me onli 10 days to live i
asked about my condixon nd d
posibility 2 b cured nd he sed onli a
srgery can cure ur heart ilness bt we
nod a donor if der is notin or no 1 ul
die 0n the 10th day of your life. i
rush to see my friend and talk about
my condixon he was tryin 2 xir me up
nd telin me 2 fyt dat she wuld olways
be by my side i felt i was so bless
and told her "salamat lagi ka nandian
salamat tlga ha d q lam ggwin q kun
mwwla ka sa tabi ko" nd she
saild "wala un!" nd wisper very
quietly " mahal kita eh sbra" on the
last day of my life d dr told dat
there was a donor the donor said sed 2
d dr. please dont tel my name and
please after this surgery give this
leter to him after the surgery the
doctor game me the leter dat tells.
"jef: u made me so much happy spendin
my life with u made me fulfillsory 4 i
hurt u once dat i didnt came when u
wer very sik im very SORY for ol of
this THANK YOU for bein for bein a gud
frnd i wil;l never leave u ul olways
have my heart sory i told dis late i
dont want u to get angry w/ me bcoz u
are precious in my heart u are very
important u olwayys did nd i love you!
Love: jazEL liaEN"
d boi cried nd tears started to fol
froms his eyes and said " i olways tot dat der were sumtin in
u dt i dont know i olways did im sory
and u love u please come back to me
elen"
the boi cried and shout 4 his love one
had died dat he failed becoz of his
rong expectation he had the moment he
had the time bt he was arongant of wat
he fils about elen d ever last word he
said " iloveu 2 elen"
-dont
expect: kieL </3
(failuheart_c@yahoo.com)
